I Am Not Surviving

It turns out that I never got smarter than I was my senior year of high school.  Sure, I had more years of education - more facts shoved in my brain - but it turns out that the smartest I ever got was in high school.

My school's yearbook had senior pages designed by all of the graduates that were full of hopeful quotes, inside jokes and song lyrics.  On my page, I wrote the quote,

"Make sure when you find yourself, you are someone you want to meet".

This has become more of a challenge with each obstacle that has come my way.  Choose to react positively.  Choose to be happy.  Choose a good life.  Choose to give yourself grace.  Choose...

The problem is that I woke up, and I don't like me today.  I feel unplugged, useless, absent, unheard, exhausted, in pain and hopeless.  I have been poked, prodded, bled, scanned, discussed and summarized.  I have not been cured, relieved, soothed or fixed.  And it is exhausting.

"The only known patient to survived septicemia caused by Rhodococcus Equi" is the title of my paper.  But I haven't survived.  I don't know who I am now, but I'm certainly not who I was.  I haven't survived.  I'm as much of a casualty as the rest of the dead mammals.

My nephew, who is four, came to visit me last week.  We had a great time, and as I was packing him up in the car to leave, he said,
"Auntie, it's really sad that you don't have your own kid to stay here with you all the time."
"It's okay, I have you."
"But Auntie, what do you do while I'm not here?"
"Oh, I nap."
What was so painful, was not its sharp truth, but knowing that a four year old sees me more clearly than anyone else.

And yes, I've reached out to my clan of medical professionals for the help that I need.
But I felt like this part needed saying too.

For all the people out there feeling like this: you are not alone.  We are not alone.
And for all the people out there not feeling like this: Listen.  Be present.  If someone reaches out to you, make sure you are worthy of their trust.

Oh, and sorry, some days there just aren't any funny twists.